“I don’t get it. I try to be a good girlfriend and give my boyfriends what they want but they treat me like crap and then they leave.”
I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard bright, intelligent women say this. These are women who are loving, giving and obviously want good things in their relationships.
In many cases, the men who leave fall madly in love with and sometimes even propose to the next woman they seriously date.
If this happens to you, you’re probably scratching your head and wondering “WTF? I worked my ass off to keep that relationship alive. Why does this keep happening to me?”
Here’s the thing that your ex’s next girlfriend (the one he’s so good to now) knows that you don’t.
Men don’t stay with women because they are good to them.
Men stay with women because the women they are with are interesting to them.
There is a big difference here.
If you are a woman who has been dumped repeatedly or is repeatedly mistreated in relationships, ask yourself these two questions.
Were you good to yourself while you were in that relationship?
Did you get what you needed not just from him, but from life itself? And did you put those needs first?
To be clear by need, I don’t mean the need to be in a solid, secure relationship. I mean the need to pursue your own interests, to hang out with your own friends, to build your confidence on your own and do your own thing without him?
I’m talking here about the need to be independent and to be that cool, ballsy woman he thought you were when he first pursued you.
If not, it’s highly likely that he felt either smothered or bored in the relationship.
The second thing to ask yourself is:
Did you put your relationship needs first in the relationship?
When you were together, if he did something that bothered you, did you let him know and tell him you wouldn’t tolerate it? Did you make your standards clear to him and then back them up with real actions?
If you let a man get away with shitty behaviour without letting him know there are serious consequences and following up with those consequences in real life, he’ll keep behaving shittily because… why wouldn’t he?
As women we are often the caregivers, the nurturers, and the relationship-maintainers. But men don’t want a mother. (Okay, some do but trust me: you don’t want those men.)
Men want someone who excites them (and not just in bed). They want someone they are continually fascinated by, someone who makes it clear what is acceptable to her in a relationship, and someone who they feel they have to work just a little bit to keep.
Men, believe it or not, actually like to please their women. But they need to be motivated to do so.
And unlike women who typically play by the rules of “you be nice to me and I’ll be nice to you in return,” men aren’t so readily reciprocal in their relationships. Instead, they need to prove themselves worthy of you.
Long story short: if you are one of those women who tries really hard to make a relationship work, take a good hard look at your relationship with yourself.
When you put yourself first, men follow.
Want to understand men, date with confidence and learn how to put yourself first in life? Check out Love Lessons from a Lap Dancer, now available on Amazon.com.