An open letter to that “nice guy” who failed to make a move

why you need to make a move

Dear nice guy,

Thank you for a lovely date.  You were polite, well-rounded and intelligent. The restaurant you chose was impressive, the band at the bar we went to after was rocking, and I was thrilled that you knew how to dance.

In fact, I might have even considered sleeping with you if you’d given me any sign whatsoever that you were interested. But you didn’t.

Yes, you might think you did – you asked me out, opened the car door for me and paid for dinner. But those things were nothing but an indication that you were a gentleman who potentially wanted to know me better. I say potentially because, although the date started out promising, you could have been my brother for all the sexual tension between us.

And so, at the end of the night, I assumed there was simply no sexual chemistry.

When you asked me out again – even though I later found out you were really into me – I was confused. Did you want to hang out again as friends?

To me there was clearly nothing else between us because you gave me no signal that there was. Perhaps on that first date you were afraid I would rebuff your advances. Or maybe you thought, “I bet she gets hit on by a lot of guys who just want sex and I’m going to differentiate myself by not being that guy” (even though you also wanted sex).

Or maybe you wanted to say or do something suggestive but had no clue how to do it.

Well, here’s a tip for your future first dates.

Have some balls and take a risk!

When a woman is interested in a man, she wants to know two things:

  1. that she can trust him
  2. that he desires her

Although you certainly felt trustworthy, you failed to make it known that you desired me.

And here’s the thing, you didn’t have to hit me over the head with it. In fact, with my girlfriends and I, it’s often far more effective (and fun) if you say it in an indirect but still obvious way.   W

omen are pretty bright when it comes to reading between the carefully crafted lines.  Not sure what I mean?

Here’s an example from a more successful date with another “nice guy.”   

He was a quiet, introverted type who held his cards close to his chest. We had developed a rapport over drinks discussing food and films but by mid-date I still couldn’t get a clear reading on if he was into me until… After answering a question of mine, he paused, looked me straight in the eyes, raised his eyebrows and said, “Now, let me ask you something… Did you shave your legs today?”

Instantly, I knew he wanted to touch me, and more, if I let him.  And this admission, plus the fact that he had the courage to say it made him ten times sexier to me. With that one line, he was not only checking how I felt about him, he assumed the close, which:

  1. takes balls and
  2. is hot.

Answering yes to his question didn’t mean I had to sleep with him, but it did change his prospects from possible restaurant/film buddy to potential lover. And that tension made the rest of the night much more exciting.

So am I saying that nice guys should come right out and say, “I want to bang you”?

Absolutely not. What worked in the line above is that it wasn’t direct. Rather, my date simply turned my thoughts in that direction by saying something that suggested he wanted to have sex with me in a playful, flirtatious way.  Yes, you have to be bold but you don’t have to be an asshole.

And, this is critical for all men to understand: 

Women like it when men – after demonstrating that they are interested in getting to know other parts of the woman –  insinuate the idea of sex but it generally turns women off when men come right out and say it directly… at least on the first date.     Once you have established rapport, dropping a few flirtatious comments:

  1. shows that you are creative and fun man who would likely be creative and fun in other parts of your life
  2. makes women feel safer around you which builds the trust they need to take the relationship further

In a recent podcast on NiceGuyDating.ca, dating coach Kevin Alexander put it this way, “Allow your sexual interest in a girl to be made available to her.”

Women often send out what they think are obvious signals and then are shocked when men don’t pick up on them.

But it goes both ways. If you’re not letting us know (in some fun, non-aggressive way) that you’re into us, we’re not going to know.

So thanks “nice guy” for the dinner, drinks and dancing. I won’t be seeing you again but, if you read this letter and come up with some lines of your own, I hope someone else will.

After all, you are polite, well-rounded, intelligent and can dance. All you need now is the confidence to match.

June

8 thoughts on “An open letter to that “nice guy” who failed to make a move

  • April 10, 2015 at 2:25 am
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    I have heard many people say that they wait until the third date before they sleep with someone. Isn’t getting to know a person on a deeper level first worth the wait?

    Reply
    • April 12, 2015 at 3:54 pm
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      Good question.

      Being flirtatious with someone or responding to their flirtations with some of your own is in no way an obligation or a promise to have sex with them that night or ever. It is simply an indication that there is some mutual interest in possibly taking things in that direction.

      Deciding if you want to sleep with someone and how long you wait before doing so depends on your dating goals, how comfortable you are with each other, how emotionally safe you need to feel to have good sex and numerous other factors.

      I've had great experiences with sex on the first date and also great experiences waiting… Watch for a post on this topic coming soon. 🙂

      Reply
  • April 10, 2015 at 3:40 am
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    Great advice June.

    As a “nice guy”, it’s finally starting to make sense to me – nice is good, however, showing some interest and taking a risk can not only be fun, it can also lead to a great night and many more, great nights.

    Enjoy your column and your insights. Keep it coming!

    Reply
    • April 12, 2015 at 3:55 pm
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      Thanks Brian. I appreciate the feedback.

      Reply
  • January 8, 2016 at 8:01 pm
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    I like the question mr. Nice asked, and appreciate subtle sexy comments for sure, but I actually disagree about putting it out there on a first date.

    I typically assume that most men will want to sleep with me (well, with any attractive female, given the chance, right?!), regardless of whether they are truly interested in the “real me” or not… So that desire pretty much goes without saying. I don’t appreciate any indication of their desire beyond telling me they find me attractive or the like. That I can handle and it’s sweet as well as indicative.

    I say save the sexual innuendo until at least the second date, because at that point both have indicated an interest in getting to know each other, so it’s not unwelcome.

    On a first date I find it a bit smarmy to put sex out there. I prefer if I man wait for some hints from me that I am open to him in that way.

    Reply
  • January 12, 2016 at 6:35 pm
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    A guy kissed me on the first date and I didn’t want to see him anymore because of that. I felt bad because I thought to myself that he must have been blindly following some sort of advice such as: Have balls! Kiss that woman or she’ll think you have no confidence! and so on…
    I didn’t want him to kiss me, I was trying to find out if I liked him or not by spending time with him and trying to talk with him. As far as I was concerned there was no sexual tension at all and I was certainly not sending “signals”. It was all just polite friendly get-to-know-you conversation.
    To me this behaviour said: “I don’t care about your feelings, I feel like kissing you so that’s what’s going to happen right now.”
    This advice isn’t BAD advice though. There are tons of women who really do want the guy to go for it and yes, probably will be feeling confused about his sexual interest if he does not. Some women go for the macho power-hungry guy who takes what he wants, they find that sexy and want that in a partner. But there are also lots of women who want to be treated with gentleness and patience, and who want to connect emotionally and see if there’s any chemistry first.
    So, men out there, please try to figure out a bit about the woman you’re going on a date with rather than just using one piece of advice for all women.

    Reply
  • January 12, 2016 at 6:46 pm
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    Oh hahaha! That part about asking if she’d shaved her legs that day! Gross! What sort of man asks that? Dear god, that is not sexy at all. I’d call that invasive and weird.
    “Hey babe… did you have a bowel movement earlier? Yeaahh that’s so hawt”
    Send me over the guy that takes you out for dinner and dancing and *doesn’t* slobber all over you and ask you about your grooming habits. I would much rather go on a date with that guy.

    Reply
  • January 31, 2018 at 6:24 am
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    Well, you certainly make a lot of assumptions, don’t you? Has it ever occurred to you that not every guy wants to have sex right away? Maybe he didn’t give you any signs of interest because … wait for it … he WASN’T INTERESTED! In the example you gave, it’s quite possible you were sexually interested but he wasn’t. But of course, since you’re not about to risk rejection, you would never make the first move. So much for equality.

    I guarantee if some guy you didn’t like asked you if you’d shaved your legs, you’d have found it creepy. And so it has nothing to do if a guy can guess the magical line that’s going to win your heart that night; if you like him everything he says and does will be magical. If not, everything he does will be creepy. And again, you’re not going to show your cards one bit.

    Men have had it with women like you. You assume we’re interested, then get upset when we’re not. You want us to read your mind, but give no clues yourself. You’re full of yourself and toxic. Frankly, life is much better for men when they stop associating with women. I have, and the freedom is incredible. I can’t believe I spent so much time trying to understand the stupidity that is women.

    Reply

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